This duck walks into a bar...

[Jim Troy]

Thank you I.d., i loved that story , and congrats on the delivery . i will have great delight in using it to repay a lad who kept me similarly hanging , with the story of Jonjo , who learned to play , Somewhere Over the Rainbow , on a saxaphone his wife bought for him on his retirement .

so listen , this duck at the bar , is skulling pints like the new time , and showing no signs of slowing up.
the barman , who knew well that he was actually a Brent Goose , but didn't think it was pc to bring any problems with identity crisis into question , gets into conversation with him .

Where are you from ? he says , and the duck with the id crisis says that he is from out of town .
the barman asks him what he's doing around these parts , and the duck says that he is a plasterer , doing a nixer for his relation, who lives locally .

the barman nods , and heads off down the other end of the bar to see after his other customers , and while he's down there , quietly makes a phone call .
he can hear the money rolling in ..
with a talking duck , he could retire from the job ..

back to the duck with another pint , and just by way of conversation , asks him if he's interested in making some serious money .

doing what ? asks the duck .

well , iv'e just been talking to the the owner of a circus , who's in town at the moment , and he says he'd like to talk to you about some work that would make you quite wealthy .

A circus ? says the duck , sounding a little puzzled .

yes , a circus , says the barman

don't they have a big top tent , and live in trailer homes and caravans and such ? says the duck .

yes indeed , says the barman , that's true .

the duck thinks for a moment , and says ..

what would they want with a plasterer ?

[I.D.10-t]

A duck walks into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve ducks here" and the duck replies "That's okay, I'm a vegitarian!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don’t serve your type in here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I don’t have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, becoming annoyed, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PS, Their are many different versions of "Nate the Snake" kind of like the joke "The Aristocrats".

Coldwar
In the desert (This one is about 22 pages long)
This one has a painting
And the tee shirt

[burnsbyrne]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint and a mop."

[Pammy]

This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours a glass and says, "Will you be paying cash for that?" The duck replies, "No, just put it on my bill."

[gonzo914]

A duck walks into the Valley Swim Club, and the manager says "We don't want your kind in here, either."

[Lambchop]

A duck walks into the Valley Swim Club, and the manager says "We don't want your kind in here, either."

I have to give a talk next week. This will be the perfect opener!

[jsluder]

Scientist humor (stolen from the web):

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A fellow accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.

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A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says "That'll be 80p (ATP) please!"
(note 100p = £1, and ATP is short for Adenosinetriphosphate, but you already knew that.)

--------
Some genetic researchers were studying Acinonyx jubatus to find out why he had a high abnormal sperm count. They gave a group of these animals a histocompatibility (tissue-type) test.

"This is singular," observed one to the other. "Every one of these cats gave the same answers."

"Aw," drawled the other, "they're all a bunch of cheetahs.

-------
Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.

-------
Q: What tool is used to measure a hole in the head?
A: A Phineas gage.

------------
Q: Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married?
A: All he ever dated was trees!

------------
Q: What is the only thing worse than a mecium?
A: A Paramecium

-----------
Q: What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?
A: In order of increasing groans:
1: Hallowed.
2: Harold. (As in, "Harold be thy name.)
3: Haploid. (Best of all.)

-----------
Q: As what did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party?
A: As an "immunogobulin".

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Q: What's a biologists definition of a graph?
A: An animal with a long neck

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Adenine proposing to guanine:"You know dear, mismatches are made in heaven".

-----------
What did one thermophilic bacteriologist say online to another?
"I think you are really hot. Your PCR mine?"

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There are some happy sciences, but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group than most. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that our lives are ova before they've begun.

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A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant. The hostess asked, "Would you like to sit at the bar?"
The red cell answered, "No thanks, I'll just circulate.

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How do you recognize a native American cell biologist?
He lives in ATP!

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A neutron walked into a bar and asked, "How much for a drink?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

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They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They knew it would be difficult , but they were determined to succeed.
They had landed with grass seeds to plant and embryos of horse, sheep and cattle. But the grass wouldn't grow, and none of the calves survived. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there not enough animals to meet their needs.

So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef.

Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and the colonists replied it was.

Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "we got everything we asked for," he shouted. . . . "They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy."

[SteveK]

Canadians like Newfie jokes--except for Newfoundlanders, I suppose.

[Denny]

Simon's Cat "Fly Guy"