Chiff and Fipple Forums

Thought Provokin' Test

Somebody got sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South of the US of A, so they comed up with a challenge for any so-called smart Yankee (loving term applied to northerners in the USofA) to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are all cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their refrigerators and washing machines to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

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I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya....there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

** As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE," here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with the driver.

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Disclaimer - poster makes no warranty of intent or outcome, and cannot vouch for sanity or acceptable behavior.

1. you don't find possum in trees - you find them in garbage or in the middle of the road. Dead.

2. trick question - you've got TWO GM's and no Chrysler products listed.

3. the more important question would be how many Mason jars you'd need to sell the stuff.

4. we talkin wet or dry county?

5. five - unless it's huntin season

6. 'nother trick question - it's a HOLLER.

7. do headers and straight pipes count?

8. there ain't been a decent C/W singer since Hank Sr. died - and don't EVEN get me started on Beau-Seifus!!!


So - how'd I do????

missy wrote:1. you don't find possum in trees - you find them in garbage or in the middle of the road. Dead.

2. trick question - you've got TWO GM's and no Chrysler products listed.

3. the more important question would be how many Mason jars you'd need to sell the stuff.

4. we talkin wet or dry county?

5. five - unless it's huntin season

6. 'nother trick question - it's a HOLLER.

7. do headers and straight pipes count?

8. there ain't been a decent C/W singer since Hank Sr. died - and don't EVEN get me started on Beau-Seifus!!!


So - how'd I do????

Eggsellant! Ya done good! I'll ritecha down fer a certificut soon as we git the moneys together to git some new ink cartridges. Do ya spell 'missy' wid a y er a aiyee?

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.
It don't matter none, as long as I got my shotgun with me.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
Whichever one I use for target practice.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
With or without leaks?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are all cut down?
None. He'll be drinkin' PBR.

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
All of 'em 'cept ol' Blue. He likes t' sleep in the shed.

6. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their refrigerators and washing machines to sit out front?
Depends on how many cars they got up on blocks out front. (For target practice, ya know.)

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
My 2-ton truck ain't got no muffler, so how's it s'posed to hit somethin' with it?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
Depends. What's the price of bus fare to Nashville?

"Give me a copper kettle, give me a copper coil
Cover it all with pine boughs and never more will toil..
We'll jest lay there by the fireside, while the moon is bright
Watch them jugs a-fillin, in the pale moonlight."

My daddy he made whisky, my grandaddy he did too.
We ain't paid no whisky tax, since 1792..." and so on,

jsluder wrote:My 2-ton truck ain't got no muffler, so how's it s'posed to hit somethin' with it?

Nicely done. You sure you're not a Foxworthy?

"I've been a moonshiner for 17 long years.
I spent all my money on whiskey and beers.
I'll go to some hollar and put up my still,
I'll make you one gallon for 2 dollar bills."

It's obvious that #4 is a trick question and the answer is "all of them"

The Weekenders wrote:"Give me a copper kettle, give me a copper coil
Cover it all with pine boughs and never more will toil..
We'll jest lay there by the fireside, while the moon is bright
Watch them jugs a-fillin, in the pale moonlight."

My daddy he made whisky, my grandaddy he did too.
We ain't paid no whisky tax, since 1792..." and so on,

This reminded me of a cousin of mine. He went away to college and they had an exhibit which included a familiar looking moonshine still labeled"recovered in Russell Co., VA"
. As the professor droned on, my cousin laughed and told a classmate- "that one was a decoy, they hunted and hunted but they never did find Daddy's real still."

This is a true story and it really did happen. His daddy was well know for making some first rate shine.

A great song which I love to sing.

A good chuckle to start the day.

anniemcu wrote:Thought Provokin' Test

Somebody got sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South of the US of A, so they comed up with a challenge for any so-called smart Yankee (loving term applied to northerners in the USofA) to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

Um....possum? like, the animal.....hmmm. Ten pounds would require at least ten pounds or greater resistance...aw hell, I like missy's answer (i'm cheatin' off yer test missy!)

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

I think they'd rust all along together...there them 'Merican cars after all!

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

If you can produce shine in an hour you have a customer!
How many radiators....depends on what kind of car...if thems radiators is outta them 'Merican cars up there...mebey ten.

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are all cut down?

alla 'em, a'course!

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

How ever manys we's havin fer dinner...

6. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their refrigerators and washing machines to sit out front?

iffun he gits rid o' them 'Merican cars!

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

dirt or paved road? Whas a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

You mean a music star? Aint none o' that other stuffs called musics thats they listen to in the city.

Hyar's ma own answers to that there test thingy...

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

Whacha mean 10 pound?? Us is all well over the hunnert mark, if'n ya don't count the youngist youngins!

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

Ain't none o them rustin as fast as that there old Chrystler minivan that nobody needed the wheels offen. It's settin' closer to the ground, so it's flakin' fast!

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

That ain't a right question! My Aunti ain't gonn let him do that! She's alriddy got her perduction line perfected!

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are all cut down?

None. He's holdin out fer keepin all his limbs, and gitting a couple quarts o Auntie's good stuff onst he's done.

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

None. They's all out cleanin up after the carcases of them deers what got hit last night... brother bubba done finished carvin all the meat off by now. He's best git to that porch now.

6. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their refrigerators and washing machines to sit out front?

Wahl, since only two of them kids is growd (harrietty just turned foteen last week, sos she got to celebrate 3 times, what with her wedding anniversary as well as the twin's 1st birthday,.. and harry jr, the eldest's, been livin' in the dog house fer a few weeks now fer challengin maw), they still got enough what with just them two workin fridges and the spare. As for that warsher. It'll be really great onst they git the water barrel up on stilts!

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

'S More likely hit'll git the mail truck, on accounta he's still broke down at the foot o that hill. I don't know as how he's got a muffler on that.

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Depends of iff'n ya wants a good one er not. We's alriddy got a batch of mediocre ones. Wait! There's Aunty Mae... now she gits right warbly after a few samples o her brew. She's good enuff!

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

Ferget da possum, dem 'simmons is some good eatin'.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

Ya gotta be kiddin'! Ya don't put 'em up on blocks, no, ya put a big-@$$ motor in 'em an' take 'em to da race track!

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

Who (hic) cares?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot
is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many
Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are all cut down?

We don' drank no Bud - we drank Milwaukee's Best!

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

Ain't no dawgs gonna be kilt. Dey's all up in da bed wit' yer ol' lady!

6. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their refrigerators and washing machines to sit out front?

Don' matter. A ternader's gonna hit 'em all, and dey'll be movin' back into da house anyways!

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

A hunnert percent. All tractors got mufflers!

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I think the last word in that question shoulda been "fan"!

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