OT - Just a Joke

PhilO · Post by **PhilO** » Mon Sep 30, 2002 5:47 pm

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Philo

WhistlingGypsy · Post by **WhistlingGypsy** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 6:53 am

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times.
Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish
Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
Man : I'm telling everybody.

skywatcher · Post by **skywatcher** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 8:47 am

Any CLEAN jokes?

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 9:02 am

On 2002-10-01 10:47, skywatcher wrote:
Any CLEAN jokes?

I think this one qualifies.

Two serious hikers awoke one morning, left the tent and began making breakfast. Shortly after, they looked up and noticed a rather fierce looking grizzly bear descending on them alarmingly quickly. Bill prepared to dash off but Fred carefully picked out his Adidas cross-country specials and started to put them on. 'Are you mad' said Bill, 'you can't outrun a bear.' 'I don't have to outrun the bear' replied Fred, 'I only have to outrun you.'

Walden · Post by **Walden** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 9:29 am

On 2002-10-01 08:53, WhistlingGypsy wrote:

Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish

Don't the Jews have the same 10 Commandments, including "Thou shalt not commit adultery"? I'm just thinking it would be a sin in Judaism too. I'm a puzzled Protestant.

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 9:36 am

On 2002-10-01 11:29, Walden wrote:
On 2002-10-01 08:53, WhistlingGypsy wrote:

Priest : Are you sorry for your sins?
Man : What sins?
Priest : What kind of a Catholic are you?
Man : I'm Jewish
Don't the Jews have the same 10 Commandments, including "Thou shalt not commit adultery"? I'm just thinking it would be a sin in Judaism too. I'm a puzzled Protestant.

You're quite right Walden. The joke's got a bit distorted in this version. I think it's meant to go like this:

Priest: When did you last go to confession?
Man: I've never been to confession, father. I'm Jewish.
Priest: Then why on earth are you telling me?
Man: Father, I'm telling everybody.

Make sense now?

WhistlingGypsy · Post by **WhistlingGypsy** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 10:47 am

Any CLEAN jokes?

Does this mean you think these are DIRTY jokes ????

Anyhow this one should qualify as CLEAN!!

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen
tube!"

Dewhistle · Post by **Dewhistle** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 12:43 pm

Here's a favorite of mine:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He
can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia
Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to
take a holiday."

Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his
name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is
Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank
manager.

Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan
with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a
tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall -
bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to
consult with the bank manager and disappears into a
back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's
a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a
loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

amar · Post by **amar** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 2:19 pm

ok, here's one, don't know if I'm gonna get away with this, perhaps not.., but I think it's hilarious, this is a Billy Connolly classic!

This guy was going out to meet his friend in a pub, "how's it going?" "Fine." "How's the wife?" "Oh, she's dead." "What?" "I murdered her this morning." "You're kidding me on!" "No. I'll show you, if you like."
So he goes away up to his tenement building, through the close.
"That's the entrance to the tenement and there's a big mound of earth there, that's where she's buried."
His friend looks at the mound and sees a bum sticking out of the earth.
"Is that her?" "Aye, that's her." "Why'd you leave her bum sticking out?" "Well, I needed a place to park my bike."

I nearly cracked up. Connolly. A nut-case. I love him.

amar · Post by **amar** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 2:24 pm

Jeez, have got a hunch that may not have gone down easily...

Ridseard · Post by **Ridseard** » Tue Oct 01, 2002 3:41 pm

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you fool, some thief has made off with our tent"

pixyy · Post by **pixyy** » Wed Oct 02, 2002 2:33 am

Two elderly couples were enjoying some whistling together when one of the men asked the other: "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, rolls, cuts, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[on Dale's request edited to reflect whistling relevance]

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: pixyy on 2002-10-03 04:11 ]</font>

Walden · Post by **Walden** » Wed Oct 02, 2002 2:48 am

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barkeep looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Wed Oct 02, 2002 2:59 am

On 2002-10-02 04:48, Walden wrote:
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barkeep looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"

Not necessarily. Some of us have extended families that have Protestant, Catholic, Jewish and cheerfully pagan elements. It can get confusing though. Wombat clearly remembers in childhood being cussed simultaneously (by different relatives of course) in Gaelic, Yiddish and English. Any other C&Fer have a similar background? Confusing (?), yes. A joke? Well they all thought it was funny.

The Weekenders · Post by **The Weekenders** » Wed Oct 02, 2002 6:10 am

Wombat, pal-o-mine, are you confuzzled or what? That sounds like a very traumatic upbringing!!! Can you even speak recognizable words out loud?

I can just hear the "I'll give you something to cry about" in three languages.....

Yikes!