.4K - A Season to Be Brief: WE HAVA A WINNER

emmline · Post by **emmline** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:13 am

Gee whiz Bloom. I had no idea we were that profound. Now I know how Dickens felt as we sat in 12th grade AP English trying to link all the death references in Great Expectations.

FJohnSharp · Post by **FJohnSharp** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:14 pm

Bloomfield wrote:
john swinton wrote:...and to let people give me suggestions for a better ending.
Assuming you are really asking, here are a couple of pointers:

...

Eddie was turning into his street now, he shuffled past the place he first got stabbed, and he shuffled up to his gate. Putting a thin hand on the rusted latch he pressed it down and the iron gate squeaked open on ancient hinges.

Two days later, a man came home to find his adopted son lying on the floor with a bottle of pills in his hand.

What Eddie had looked for 15 years was love. That simple 4 lettered word that means so much to people. He had never received any, only giving it away until he was a hollow shell. Devoid of any good emotion, only filled with hatred, evil and anger.
In the first paragraph of this excerpt, you are imbuing the real world with meaning: the gate, the thin hand, the squeaking on ancient hinges, all that and the place where he first (!) got stabbed. That works.

The next sentence is the sort of stark shocker sentence I was fond of as a teenager. It sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, the trick is to be careful what is around it.

The last paragraph is what kills it really. "What Eddie had looked for 15 years was love. That simple 4 lettered word that means so much to people" There is nothing specific here anymore. The real world has dropped out and all that is left is a sermonizing narrator making banal statements (what does it matter to love how many letters the word has?). There is nothing specific left, and the images are broken: First we are told that poor Eddie empty: a hollow shell and devoid of good emotion. But then all of a sudden his full of hatred, evil, and anger. Apart from the empty/full thing, is hatred, evil, and anger really what explains a suicide by sleeping pills?

A story with a great start & potential, you might just want to work on that ending. One approach might be to just leave out the last paragraph.

And I'll add, the reader wants to take the journey with the character, not have it summed up in the last paragraph. The reader wants to witness the character having his moment, where he makes a change or doesn't make a change or decides or doesn't decide. Being there is why we read.

emmline · Post by **emmline** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 12:41 pm

Paul wrote: John,
This one works for any story at any time you want to end it guaranteed.

And suddenly everyone got run over by a truck.

Many years ago I read a Thomas Keneally book called "Confederates."
That, basically, is a paraphrase of how it ended. Irked me that I'd trudged through the entire epic to come to that.
(but in this context...it just might work!

)

john swinton · Post by **john swinton** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 1:53 pm

have another comp soo so I can enter my UPDATED story.

also I ment to write mint kayak. although I do see the occaisonal otter.

I do all the paddleing, thugh i wish i didnt. on the flat one would need an outboard to stay sane. it would need to be removable, freestyle doesnt work with an outboard attatched!

emmline · Post by **emmline** » Mon Dec 06, 2004 8:14 pm

40 votes. nice round number. Do I hear 50?

Bloomfield · Post by **Bloomfield** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:08 am

All right! WE HAVE A WINNER:

Best piece of prose, 400 words or less:

Cautious Captain by scottielvr

Second place goes to:

Zany Granddaughter by FlyingCursor (fka Geek4Music)

Third place is a tie between

Cloven by emmline,

Annie's Baby by susnfx, and

Our Song by LeeMarsh.

Fourth place goes to Blueberry Summer by Musical_Midnight and the untitled entry by FJohnSharp that starts with "Sarah shuffled through fallen leaves..."

Thank you so much for playing!

And especial and particular thanks for the writers who have delurked to post their entries. Great to have you, post more.

izzarina · Post by **izzarina** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:17 am

Congratulations to all the winners!!! Especially anonymous whomever you may be

Are we going to find out, Bloom? Is anonymous going to step forward now that he or she has won?

FJohnSharp · Post by **FJohnSharp** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:19 am

Congratulations to the winners. Now that it's over, I'll say that for me it was between Dissolution, Annies's Baby, and Cautious Captain. I thought all three delivered an ache that made them especially worthwhile. I liked the Zany Grandaughter too, because of the absurd way it made me laugh.

Congratulations to everyone who took a chance and tried. It's no small thing.

FJohnSharp · Post by **FJohnSharp** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:20 am

izzarina wrote:Congratulations to all the winners!!! Especially anonymous whomever you may be Are we going to find out, Bloom? Is anonymous going to step forward now that he or she has won?

At the very least, we'll know when it's published in RHP

Flyingcursor · Post by **Flyingcursor** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:32 am

izzarina wrote:Congratulations to all the winners!!! Especially anonymous whomever you may be Are we going to find out, Bloom? Is anonymous going to step forward now that he or she has won?

I'd like to thank my Mom, Dad, lawyer and state representitive as well as the members of the academy for second place with "Zany Granddaughter"

Contratulations to all others.
There were a lot of great stories and I feel somewhat abashed in that I wrote my story as a joke. I had no idea it would even make top 100.

Bloomfield · Post by **Bloomfield** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:37 am

I edited the announcement post to put in Flyingcursor's handle. I'm sure we'll hear who wrote Cautious Captain soon enough.

dubhlinn · Post by **dubhlinn** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 9:57 am

Congratulations to all the winners .
An excellent competition enjoyed by all.

Voting for a winner was very hard but after a lot of thought I went for "The Associate",the humour of the piece really tickled me....I wonder who wrote it?

Slan,
D.

Wombat · Post by **Wombat** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:11 am

Congratulations to all the winners and non-winners. There were a lot of enjoyable stories here. I wish my muse wouldn't desert me when these competitions are running but, for me, the competitive aspect is unimportant compared to the pleasure of reading my fellow Chiffers expressing themselves. Well done and thanks.

carrie · Post by **carrie** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:38 am

Congratulations to all the winners for their well-deserved recognition and thanks for providing us with such good reading, from the shining elegance of Cautious Captain to the fun of Zany Grandaughter and on through the range of feeling, experience, and imagination captured in the other lovely winners. In a community where we really only know each other by our writing (with a few exceptions, of course), it's a treat to see aspects of our members' personalities emerge in the graceful and creative ways this contest has encouraged. A special thanks to Lee Marsh for seeing within "Dorian Tune" an entire lifetime of two people.

Carol

Paul · Post by **Paul** » Tue Dec 07, 2004 10:59 am

Congratulations to all the winners!

Bloomie, I guess your Bloomfield signature-edition Maybach will have to wait for the next contest. I just got off the phone with Juergen Shremmp and cancelled the deal.

Chiff and Fipple Forums

.4K - A Season to Be Brief: WE HAVA A WINNER

What's the best short piece of prose?