Time for a Redeclaration of Independence?

[jbarter]

OK, at the risk of starting the world's greatest flame war I just have to bring this to the attention of the colonials on the board. It's the text of an email that's doing the rounds here in Jolly Old England.
I'm sure that some of the wits over the pond can come up with an equally amusing rebuttal.
(BTW I did remove one item which was just offensive and not funny at all)
Most amazing of all was the fact that even while reading it I found myself correcting it using information about America I've learnt from this very board. I must be becoming a Mercophile.

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the
USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half
the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'
(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is
pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct
pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know"
is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer
show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents.It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You
will also have to learn how to understand regional accents. Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no
such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become"shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men
Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down
for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour
of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not
want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is
not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays
"American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and
should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game
called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip,
oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in
public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are
sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call
French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are
Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries
while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called
"crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The
traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served
warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be
added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer, is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine".This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or
"Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April
1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its
prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in
return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to
it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be
independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not
adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to
a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
1776).

[Chuck_Clark]

It doesn't anger me, although I would like to suggest that before Her formerly Imperial Majesty attempts to reclaim former colonies she should first reclaim England itself from the Junior Half of the Axis of Self-Righteousness.

[jbarter]

the Junior Half of the Axis of Self-Righteousness.

How did you spot who sent the original email so quickly?

[Feadan]

I love starting the day with a good laugh. Thanks, John!

Cheers,
David

[Teri-K]

I've seen that email, or one that's similar, with the following American response:

The Reply
To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always, we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. We hate to ruin your tea-party here, but the sun has, in fact, set on the British Empire! Cheerio!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the ORIGINAL spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

Review your basic arithmetic. If you're going to make up an arbitrary statistic, use the same number consistently. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and, 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

You want English actors cast as good guys? How about Stephen Fry playing Oscar Wilde in "Wilde"? How about Rupert Everett in "The Next Best Thing"? Oh, you want English actors cast as STRAIGHT good guys!
Ahem. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia ditty. It's toe- tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" yet again for you guys.

Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

Learn how to cook. For your own sake if nobody else's. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. If the French can figure it out, you should be able to.
You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing; it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies. Ground- based wiring? What the ****???

We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. Regarding World War II: You're Welcome.

[jbarter]

Brilliant Teri. Your reply has even now started on it's email rounds. You even replied to the bit I'd cut out.

[Chuck_Clark]

John

While I'd love to claim credit for perspicacity, I can't say I did any such thing. It was merely an off the cuff rejoiner that I thought amusing.

[Teri-K]

Chuck

My husband sent me a copy a few weeks ago. Seems he found it on a board he frequents. He knew I'd get a chuckle over the British proposition. He was right. I've no idea who the author is.

[TyroneShoelaces]

I find the British edict humorous (humourous); the American response somewhat arrogant.

[jbarter]

I find the British edict humorous (humourous); the American response somewhat arrogant.

Dammit! I can remember when Britain could do arrogant (just not old enough to remember when we could get away with it).

[MarkB]

Canada being a nation of not really knowing why it is a nation, will except refugees from either side, as long as they can sing our national anthem and give the proper salute!

You can spell words anyway you want. In Canada, English/French is a second language to most. We have royalty or something like it and a person in place who thinks that she is royalty, even has a doting one pace behind and to the left husband.

Hint: The National Anthem has to do with our nation(?)al game and the salute has something to do with a coffee cup of a former player of that game. And the secret password is Double-Double or Triple-Double. If you know these and can hum the above tune, you will go to the head of the line. The only thing that will get you in faster is if you are a stripper from Romania.

Canada remains faihfully wishy-washy in this up coming flame war.

Timmies anyone!

MarkB

[dubhlinn]

I find the British edict humorous (humourous); the American response somewhat arrogant.

Mmmm..... I thought the opposite,
Then again,I would.

Ah well....,

Slan,
D.

[jbarter]

I find the British edict humorous (humourous); the American response somewhat arrogant.

Mmmm..... I thought the opposite,
Then again,I would.

Ah well....,

Slan,
D.

I thought they were both both. Come to think of it I laughed as much at the arrogance as the lampooning of the other side in each one.

[Brian Lee]

DAMN! How come Utah get's left out? We're in the biggest need of a King or Queen of all the states!

[GaryKelly]

Teehee. Pittsburra and Texasshire. That made I giggle.